It all started with the most innocent of scenes. A caring mother straightening out the collar of her child's shirt in front of a door. She quickly licks her fingers and then presses them down on a uncooperative tussle of hair to push it into place. Followed by a solemn look into the child's eyes and an earnest request: Please behave yourself - i.e. don't touch things, scream, use bad language, nag or hit anyone … If you have kids or have been a kid you probably recognize this everyday situation in some way.
As well meant as it is, it still comes with a side of "hidden baggage" because it sends a clear signal to the child that their regular self just won't cut it in this special situation. It's time to put your best foot forward. Bring out your best self. We might give you just being you a pass at home, but as soon as something is deemed to be extra important in some way you need to tuck that regular you away. As we grow up this thought virus is lying dormant within us. Just waiting for us to determine that something out the ordinary is about to transpire.
You can see it when we meet somebody we are truly interested in. We put on clothes that we don't normally wear. You don't really feel comfortable in that jacket or dress, but it was bought exactly for these kinds of important and exclusive events. Stay with safe language that shouldn't bother anyone. Agree with views and interest we don't really have, but we think will impress enough to get a second date. In essence treating ourselves like a fixer-upper needing to be dressed up for the sale.
The difference can be so striking for both people that they actually don't really meet each other. They meet each other's representatives. Their own perceived super versions are having a date and themselves sitting like the wizard of Oz behind their mental curtain hoping for approval. You know what I'm talking about. If we are lucky they see through our innocent charade and actually like the real us behind the protective curtain we have put up around us.
The problem that we now face is that we think that what they really like is the "super self" that we put out there. So, we have to live up to our own idea of what that is as best we can. As you can imagine this can easily lead to a lot of pressured thinking and desperately wanting to stop being so super. If for no other reason than to find out if they would like us even if we were just our regular selves. The real us we were so sure they would reject that we sent our super self as a stand-in. Friction and difficulties usually follows as we overcompensate by doing something we know will rub our partner the wrong way.
On the other hand, if they don't see through our protective curtain and rejects us it can feel pretty devastating. If our perceived super self is not enough, what does that say about my regular old self? That means it sucks even more than we first thought. So, we buff up our super self even more on our next perceived special occasion. If they see through that we have even more to live up to. If they don't our thoughts about ourselves go down even further. If ultra super duper me is still not enough we really need to hide our regular selves in a super secure location. Maybe even pretend it doesn't exist …
Can you see the logic of the downward spiral that is set in motion? How every situation we deem special or important make it seem ever more appropriate for conjuring our super self or not doing it at all? Either way our regular self is a no show. We should always do our best and if that is putting our super self on, then that's what we do. It just makes sense from the thinking we have about it. We start making up stuff for the job interview because obviously regular me wouldn't stand a chance of getting the job.
In sport it takes on a slightly different form. Athletes play like normal until the situation is extra important. A certain competition, a special competitor, chance of winning, imminent chance of losing etc. So regular self takes them to the lead, but a soon as they realise the importance of their position regular self exits left and super self enters the stage to bring the prize home. Tightly wound and tense from fighting their super thinking they make mistakes and fall off the leaderboard…
This makes them try even harder and fail worse until they get frustrated enough to give up, don't give a shit and all of sudden are playing super again. So now they have a new strategy: Pretend you don't really care and you do better. Don't give a shit and super me should have a chance. I don't know why this makes sense, but I know that it does because I hear it so often. It is actually common enough that I don't even know how many times I have had to bring this up with world class athletes who says they need help with their performance anxiety.
It is completely hidden to them that what they think is the super self version really sucks. That it's actually their regular self that is super. Until they understand this no amount of talk about "unleashing our best self", "just do it!" or "give it your all" will help. As soon as they think it's especially important it becomes irresistible to start doing their version of correcting the collar, fixing the hair and shape up.
Because it looks like the solution and not the actual problem that it is. So, no matter if it is in the sports arena, board room, press conference, job interview or on a date - we keep thinking it's a superb idea to rise to the occasion by adding something. We see it in both ourselves and others as the veil of our supposed super thinking comes down over the eyes. Suddenly, we act like completely different people as we struggle more and more with less and less to show for it.
Our saving grace is that we all the ability to see what is actually going on. So that we can stop adding and start subtracting. Stop trying to find and start uncovering instead. To go the other way and relax our minds. Quit trying to fix what never needed fixing in the first place and just do our regular best. All that is needed is to stop taking those insecure super thoughts seriously and keep doing your regular best. If you do, you will uncover that plain regular you not only is super - it feels super too.
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